to-do lists.

i'm a little ocd about things.

lists, for instance. i can't function any given day without a to-do list. it helps put things into perspective and feels gratifying to cross things off.

i can't ever stop there though. i'll extend on a list and make another one. target, for example, may be a line item but then i feel i need an additional list for the actual trip there.

(i lose focus quickly. especially at target.)

this time of year i have lists for everything ... christmas gift lists, christmas card lists, client gifts, christmas decor lists, party lists ....

i admit, it gets a little out of hand.

blogging is on my list for the evening. true story.

why can't i be obsessed with other things, say, like working out? instead it's "buy more wine" underlined.

a day of thanks

i have a lot to be thankful for.

for instance, i'm at mom's house right now. i wouldn't be if i was still in georgia.

so i'm drinking coffee, sprawled out on the chase with muffin pants, enjoying quiet time before the rest of the world awakes.

this morning i'm going to make a pumpkin gingerbread trifle (thanks rachel ray).

then dad's going to put on my spare as i have a flat tire. we will go to walmart together and get a new tire. (dad loves to help me whenever possible and ignored me all together when i said i had AAA).

after that i'll go back to mom's house and help her prepare our thanksgiving feast (if she lets me).

i'm sure i'll get drilled with questions from family members about my boyfriend (not so thankful about that, although i am thankful for boyfriend himself).

after things settle and if we can still move, mom and i are on a mission to finish making window treatments for my master bedroom.

if i get a nap squeezed in too, it may be a record breaking day of greatness.

remembering and vowing to never forget.

i spent a couple of days back out in rural kansas to bury grandma. it's been a while since i've actually spent considerable time there. our family gatherings at the farm ceased about 10 years ago and were replaced by short day trips to the assisted living facility.

i love small towns. i remember growing up, our family visits were typically noted in the weekly paper.

my dad was raised on the farm and went to school in a one-room schoolhouse up until high school.

he rode a horse to get there.

but not before grandma had his clothes pressed.

milk, eggs, and chicken were fresh from the farm.

grandma would occasionally lend a hand by milking a cow, but always in a dress.

lots of stories were shared to me about my grandmother this last week. i hung on to every word and hope that somehow i will remember it all forever.

i'm afraid of that. that i'll forget. that the stories will fade over time as most things do.

i know one story that never won't ...

the time that aunt nita brought my grandma a pie and was chased by a wild turkey. grandma laughed as she watch aunt nita run across the front lawn. after a successful pie delivery, grandma hit that turkey over the head with a stick so hard that it knocked him out. that's when aunt nita made her escape.

true story.

i told you she was a firecracker.

saying goodbye.

i've never been good at goodbyes.

i remember years ago my mom and brother dropping me off at my college dorm for the very first time. as i pulled back into my hometown a month later, it suddenly dawned on me that life had forever changed. i walked inside my mom's house and ran straight into her arms.

the years after college were no easier, in that respect. i moved down south and eagerly started a new life outside of kansas. visits home for the holidays were great but saying goodbye at the end was torture.

about the time when it started to become easier was about the time when i decided to move back.

leaving a life i had created for the past several years was not easy for me. i decided to move back to the midwest which also meant saying goodbye to my southern sidekick of 6 years/soul mate/roommate/business partner, heather.

thankfully, dad was there to help with my move, but more importantly, be my support. dad can't talk about that day without choking up. he witnessed it all which included a tearful heather at 6am seeing us off with a box of donuts.

i miss her every day. and although we're not partners-in-crime running around savannah, i know she'll forever be in my life. until death do us part.

now tomorrow, i have to say a different kind of goodbye. this one may very likely be forever.

my grandmother is 99 years old. she has overcome breast cancer and losing her husband (among many other things). i'm constantly amazed by her strength and resilience. plus, she's a real firecracker. i love that.

grandma is not well. i'm trying to prepare myself.

something great will be lost without her here. she is the core of our family. she provided a warm home and some of the best childhood memories were had on that farm in rural kansas. grandma's pancakes and fried chicken, homemade ice cream, catching fire flies, playing tag on the hay bails, sledding, building forts in the woods ...

not to mention, she raised my dad. he's pretty amazing.

i'm not ready to say goodbye.

i won't.

i'll always remember.

my bags were all packed, but before i could get out the door dad called to tell me she passed early the next morning.

muffin pants and mr. buddy wiggles

niko (aka muffin pants) was a gift to me over 8 years ago. i can't imagine life without him. he's always been my main squeeze (no offense, BF).

he doesn't argue. he knows who's in charge (on most days). he's eager to cuddle, a great listener, my running partner (okay, there has been a lot of walking in there too), but most of all he is my calm gentle constant happy positive.

they say dogs are theraputic. i couldn't agree more.

along came BF and then along came mr. buddy wiggles. oh the joy!

wiggles just seems to be always smiling and always wiggling (hence, wiggles). his smile is very contagious and so is his energy.

i professed my love to wiggles before i professed it to BF himself. it was love at first sight! clearly.

i may not have the best "trained" boys, but a house of loving dogs, i do. i often wonder if i started all over again would i let niko on the sofa or bed to snuggle with me? maybe my house guests shudder at the idea of it all.

but this is a house that i have built where dogs are my family. and i would wash my sheets 100 times to have niko cuddle with me on a lonely rainy night. he is always the constant i need when other things in my life are not.

i wouldn't have it any other way.

heart vs. head

speaking of the magic box ...

i watched the new HILLS episode tonight and was extremely pained to watch audrena.

(for most of you, this is probably old news. for me, i'm behind times in magic-box-world by one day, typically).

however, i can't say that i've never been in her shoes. haven't we all?

this episode (in regards to audrena), was about her ending a potentially good relationship with a very nice guy in order to be with mr. oh-so-wrong. again!

oh, audrena.

boys like that don't change. at least in my experience.

(plus, justin, is like the biggest douchebag ever.).

the thing is, when you're in that situation, you are thinking with your heart 110% which, unfortunately, leaves very little room for your head.

deep down, i suppose i'm still that girl in some small way. not with my boyfriend (because he's perfect. clearly). but i have always been one to root for the best in people (in all kinds of relationships). .

however, when i have come to the realization that this no longer has to be tolerated ... WOW, what a fantastic feeling to demand something better simply because i believe i derserve just that.

the magic box

my boyfriend suggested we move in together a few months ago. i said i needed some time (see below), and in the meantime, he moved in his television AND the magic box (which was really the biggest issue about spending so much time at my place and not being "moved in").

let me clarify that my hesitation on "moving in together" is not my feelings for him, but the upbringing of my midwest-ultra-conservative/religious family that i'm extremely close to.

anywho.

boyfriend moved in his TV (this amazing flatscreen) and pushed aside my TV (a hand-me-down from a previous design client). then he plugged in this magic box thing and BAM we had like every channel in the universe (hence, magic).

not only that, we now have the ability to record shows (DVR, or something?). amazing. truly.

is this how the rest of the world works? i'm beginning to think so. because anytime i mention the magic box people stare at me oddly.

boyfriend and i obviously came from different planets. he is quite comfortable with the magic box and with lots of cable watching. me, after two months, just figured out how to record "greensburg" last night and had no idea we even had planet green!

boyfriend is quite kind with me. he automatically records shows i'm vaguely interested in. the hills, gossip girl, samantha who (ok, truth be told, i have only been able to focus on monday programs thus far).

(in my defense, i've had cable in my previous life, however, i can never remember what's on when to ever follow a series completely).

so tonight ... boyfriend is at a work function and i somehow managed to figure out how to play "gossip girl" from last night. hells yeah!

(although boyfriend did record it he is rather adamant about me not watching it while he's around. he will, however, watch the hills. shhhh ....).

i love you, magic box.

the truth will set you free

i decided i would start a blog because it would be a healthy way of sorting out all the thoughts in my head. i gave up writing a few years ago when i left my (crazy) boyfriend (soon-after EX) alone in my house and discovered he read my journal after he confronted me on what was written inside.

clearly, this is the obvious way to move forward ... to post a blog on the internet for all to see.

seriously though, i was like the features editor for my high school newspaper. writing is in my blood. (my 1995 editorial on school spirit was moving, i tell you).

not to mention my design column at a (very, very small) magazine in savannah.

frankly, it's hard to believe i haven't been discovered.

sigh.

here's to you, blog. it's a new beginning.